Dear Evil Discussor... I was just told the original Roll n Roaster is closing. Can you confirm this?

Quiet you. You sacrilegious slanderous snake-like sinmeister. I can confirm it. Confirm it to be false, that is! With a simple phone call to the land of 718. I sleuthed it out like a modern day Magnum P.I. and uncovered the beautiful truth that there is no R n R closing in sight. Unless they're lying to me over there, but I doubt it. So put your rumor-starting, fear-mongering, hate-spreading, heresy-spouting lies to bed, you silly sleepy douchehead, and let's go fill our beautiful faces with cheez, and roast beef, and turkey, and more cheez! In Sheepshead Bay, no less! The land of fishermen! And drunken sailors! And roast beef apparently! Today is the start of a brand new day! A day without fear! Without worry or concern! A day with fries that are round! And rippled! The Roll N' Roaster lives! Albeit a healthy 45 minute subway ride from the city! But so what? Would you not travel further for such tasty delights and delicious delicacies? Trust me, it's worth it. Not that I've actually ever gone out there since the East Village location shut its blinds one last time, closed its never used take-out window for good, and turned off its Cheez machine forevermore. But maybe tonight's the night! Probably not! But maybe! Meet me there, all of you R n R loving blerds! Let's celebrate! I'm buying the first round! Of gravy!

E.D.


previously, and wow did I go over the top on this shit or what?
Dear Evil Discussor... Is it true that the Roll n Roaster is closing?

Dear Evil Discussor... Have you ever been mentioned on curbed.com?

Dear Evil Discussor... Is anyone who dislikes Roll n Roaster a total and complete jackass?

Dear Evil Discussor... Why were you getting all Lenny Bruce-like about that Roll n Roaster thing?