Dear Evil Discussor... What? What the fuck is that thing over there on the right called An Evil Primer?

Oh, come on, you know what it is. It's a compilation of posts. From the past, present, and future. Some awesome. Some just crazy amazing. Why, even this post is included, and it's barely even passable. It was no easy task, picking posts for inclusion in this Pantheon of Postiliciousness. Especially when you take into consideration that everything I ever do or say or write is magical and inspired or, at the very least, wonderful. But it had to be done. I spent months and months, no, days upon days, fine, about half an hour, laboring over this, my Canon-ish Column of Cocksmanship, seeking and selecting only the finest 'babies,' as I like to call to them. And if you think some posts don't really belong here, please do tell. And then, go fucking critique your own blog, fucklegs. If you don't have a blog, start one, write a bunch of posts, wait a while, then make a greatest hits-like column, and then critique it, fucklegs.

And so, it is decreed, on this, the fifth Friday of September, in the year ought six, that "any and all evil newbie newcomers that doth visiteth this ere evilest site, shall, if turned off by the overwhelmingly lacklustereth and mediocrest nature of that day's most probably horrible awful post, learn, by reading An Evil Primer in its entirety, that once in a very, very, very rare while, something slightly entertaining, or maybe just kind of amusing, or even just halfways not retarded, emerges off the pages of this here virtual web log cyberspace site thing, and that, not only has Evil Discussor been linked by many other blogs that are actually decent, but also, that he is the Evilest Man in all of Evilstan, and sometimes wants to hump someone on Hump Day, and also, is a big fan of pants, and also, couldn't keep up that whole faux-olde english thing through the whole paragraph, but will now return to it. And so it is writ."

Newcomers, may you gently and tenderly be poked and prodded by my eviliciousness! May you spend an entire evening at least reading my carefully constructed passages, and hopefully, touching thyself! May you be de-frocked and de-hymenized by my barely entertaining insight and douchiness! May I never not write one sentence without some sort of sexy metaphor or sexual innuendo! May that double or triple negative fuck you right up as it did me! And may you eventually join the ranks of my astoundingly large, largely incompetent, and oft-times large-breasted, growing fan nation of blerds and other blogtards!

Yours,
E.D.