Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Dear Evil Discussor... How could a God forsake his believers? Worse yet, deceive them?

At the risk of getting a smidgen too philosophically metaphysically theologically fuckedup-ical here, I will attempt to answer your very, very heavy question, Blah.

You are clearly confused, Blah. Questioning your faith. Your devotion to sweet little old Evil me is in doubt. You have worshipped, nay, blerdshipped, at my altar for so long now, and I understand. You hath been deceived. You need answers, Blah. How could I have betrayed you in such a way? How could I have taken that trust that I cultivated in you, and gone and smeared poo-poo on that trust? How can one of my very heavily moisturized hands caress your soft, silky cheek, stroking it lovingly and tenderly, flittering you away into a semi-sleeping wonderful waking wet dream, soothing you into a half-state of half-bliss, while my other hand jars you awake with a slap to the back of your head, jams a finger in both of your eyes like that Rutger Hauer android in Bladerunner, and then forces you to give me a throat job? These are questions we all must answer in this very difficult, trying time. All of us. Not just you, Blah. I have betrayed your confidences, but I assure you, I will win your trust back, and we will work through this hardship together.

How could a God, such as myself, deceive his followers, you ask? Well, sometimes deception is a wonderful device, Blah. A tool. A tool not unlike, say, I don't know, maybe, you. But besides, deceiving is kind of what Gods do, no? I mean, shit, I was just being Godly is all.

Did God himself not build the tower of Babel for to confuse his subjects with language and, in doing so, learn them a very important lesson?

Yes, I believe God did.

Did God not rain down hellish death water crazy flood fury for 40 days and 40 nights, and save only Noah and some animals, just to clean up the old world a teeny bit?

Again, God did.

Did God not ask Isaac or Jacob, or whoever that was, to slaughter his son, Joseph or Marvin or Pinchus, on the altar as a sacrifice, and then go "Just kidding!" just to test his devotion?

Fuck right, God did.

And did God not order a pizza and chinese delivery to the house across the street and watch from behind the curtains, giggling like a schoolgirl, as they both arrived at the same time?

Yes, I'm pretty sure God did.

After all, who hasn't? Which is kind of my point. Like the rest of us, God knows how to party. God knows how to turn a lame evening of TV watching into a ball of laughs, with just a couple of short phone calls to Domino's and Taste of Sichuan, his quick wit, and a hilarious fake voice.

And I think that's the point here, Blah. First, that obviously, God knows how to party. And second, that nobody but nobody, doesn't find ordering pizza and chinese to the neighbor's house funny. Except the neighbor maybe. He'd be pissed. And the neighbor's wife. And whoever else lives there. And the pizza guy and chinese deliveryman might be out some money too. But fuck it. We all can't win, can we? Which is exactly my point maybe. And besides, I think you can see that my point here is, I'd actually be happy if I happened to get a surprise delivery of chinese and pizza. Especially if I was hungry. Because both chinese food and pizza are delicious, right? And it would save me the hassle of ordering. You see what I'm saying?



Anonymous Blah said...


11:30 AM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...



11:39 AM  
Anonymous Loyal Anon said...

Alright E.D.! It's posts like these that originally lured me in to your blog. I guess you're feeling better and that bug that was eating up your humor is dead or dying. Congratulations your level of suck is rising.

1:27 PM  
Blogger Tilly said...

Yeah, but what about the HUMP DAY HUSSY?

God also sent his son to earth to live as the "humans" live and then die for their sins, even though they were all a bunch of assholes to him and yelled at him and threw rocks at his face and stuff. Harsh. And he was basically a mutant...half God/half man. AND a bastard child, since Joseph wasn't his real Dad, right?

2:18 PM  

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