Thursday, August 10, 2006

Dear Evil Discussor... How do I get Gawker to gawk me?

If you want Gawker to link you in their Blogorrhea NYC section, and invite you in to their hilariously sarcastic, totally sardonic, zeitgeist-capturing, uberly-hip, douchebag-loving, something else-something, crazy media blog sex fuck party club, there are a few things you're going to need to do.

1. Be Lianne Stokes, The Assimilated Negro, The Daily Dump, or any other blogger that gets gawked four times a day, and has been blogging since the Roosevelt Administration. Either Roosevelt Administration. Both work for this joke. Cause both took place before the internet was even an itch in Al Gore's large pants. Which is a very long time ago. And which are very large pants. And which is my point exactly. The point about it being a long time ago, that is. Not the point about the pants. Which isn't even true, that these bloggers have been around for that long or, for that matter, that Al Gore has such big pants, but come on, it's all for emphasis, and I didn't have much else to say about them, and, anyways, you know what I'm saying. Which is a perfect transition to my next point.

2. Be not funny. Try humor, but fail. The gawkers are human too. And, not only are they human, but they're also bloggers. And when you put those two things together, human and blogger, you get something very interesting. You get a "bluman." And also, a "hugger." With a hard "u" and, come to think of it, maybe just one "g." But, nevermind that, dumbface. What's more important here is that you get someone who is deeply insecure, overly protective and defensive, and who, most likely, used to sneak into their big sister's room when she went out, just to smell her bra. And who has now found quite a large amount of success in certain circles of New York bloggygentsia. And who I'm rather jealous of. I would gladly fornicate with my own forearm, and a bottle of YooHoo, at the same time, if it would only get them to like me. But that's inconsequential. And probably painful. And anyhow, the question is, if you had a big-ass, popular-ass, crazy-ass blog, would you want to link other funny-ass bloggers, and share the funny-ass stage with other funny-ass folks? No way-ass. You'd want to horde all the funny to your funny self. That's right. It's like, when you were a kid, and Yossi Rousch wanted to play with your Captain America doll. There was no fucking way, right? So, instead, you kneed him in the balls and ran away crying. Same situation. You're a funny-hording, Captain America-clutching, cry baby fuckwhore, and so are the gawkers. Keep this in mind.

3. Add 'hyphen ass' to words. It's an easy way to be mildly funny but not appear too try hard. It will also make your post seem more edgy. And you, cooler. You will be popular, and the ladies will dig your shit. This is the language that blogstars speak, especially Gawker, and you should speak it too if you want to roll with them, don't you think?

4. Call people douchebags, douchebag.

5. Write a long-winded, just barely amusing, personal anecdote about some ridiculously New Yorky experience of yours. Like, say, taking a girl home only to discover he's a homeless tranny. Or any hilariously awkward situation that takes place in your apartment elevator. Or that time you got the hivvies on the Uptown 6 train. Or something about real estate brokers. Or last night's Murray Hill sportsbar crawl.

6. If none of this works, write a post in which you flagrantly and shamelessly refer to Gawker over and over again in a ridiculously transparent, mostly non-sensical, completely desperate, utterly pathetic, and most probably failed attempt to get on Gawker itself. Try to have no one notice this embarassing transparency by half-heartedly framing the entire post as a Dear Abby-style reply, and also, by anonymously and cowardly disguising yourself under a half-baked pseudonym.

7. Also, be sure to mention earlier in the post at some point how its important to "not be funny." And try to make many references to being "ridiculously transparent," "completely desperate," "utterly pathetic," "cowardly," and to your "failed attempt." That way, when someone deems you not funny, ridiculously transparent, completely desperate, utterly pathetic, cowardly, and failed in your attempt, you're totally covered. And you can just say, "Exactly" or "Right" or even "See?"

Good luck,


Blogger concha said...

gawker=the hot girl walking down the street.

ED=mexican desperatly hissing at her, trying to get her attention.

will the hot girl turn off her iPod and do some back alley mexican humping?


10:07 AM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

How did you know I was Mexican?

Who the fuck revealed my identity?

10:12 AM  
Blogger copyranter said...

I killed a kid who tried to touch my GI Joe. And then I smashed his GI Joe super-expensive, high-tech-ass HQ with a fucking brick. And I took alllll his GI Joes hostage. And cut off their fucking heads.

10:33 AM  
Anonymous Amish said...

Dear Evil Discussor,

Do you read minds?

10:39 AM  
Blogger Bad at Life said...

Dear Evil Discusser,

I have two questions that have been bothering me for some time now:

First, how do you select the photos that you do for each post? Sometimes they make perfect sense, other times they are random and strange. Always they are awesome.

Second, and more importantly, how do they assemble cranes at construction sites? Don't you need a crane to build a crane? If so, where did the very first crane come from?

3:03 PM  
Blogger Betty said...

Or just know my roomie- Heather at - she's the one who writes it. And she has creative power to link whoever. It's not that big of a jump to get on the list- unless you are her roommate, mainly me.

4:36 PM  
Blogger Betty said...

Sorry, I just re-read #3- knowing a lot of bloggers, this might be true....

4:39 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Tell your roomie the more she ignores me, the more I love her.

6:10 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Especially now that I know how she shaves her ladyness.

6:11 PM  
Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

black people weren't allowed to blog during the Roosevelt administration ...

we were forced to use the commodore 64's for "coloreds", and those couldn't access the internet.

11:56 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

tan, not even mentioning you could get my sweet-ass gawked. i thought for sure that would work.

have you lost some mojo or whatthefuck?

12:17 AM  
Blogger Betty said...

done and done...but how is this going to get me gawkered, b/c apparently seeing me in my underwear doesn't work.

1:18 AM  
Blogger heather said...

i'll ignore you as long as you want, sugar.

i'll even ignore you whilst alice and i are sitting here in our underwear, drinking cold beers and laughing about how some people think it's enough of a huge deal to offer me sex/money/drugs/shoes.

email me for my postal address, and i'll see what i can do.

1:26 AM  
Blogger Maulleigh said...

It all makes sense now: never tell anyone your secret identity. Never.

7:50 AM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

email you for your postal address? i barely understand that. is it code? is it the booze talking? or the crack?

i'll email you, and if you want to give me your postal address, that's cool. i guess, i could write you a letter if you want.

10:16 AM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

oh, and, heather, watch out if you're sitting around in your underwear. you might get some of that sugarwax on the couch.

10:25 AM  
Blogger Muk said...

I usually just write something and then send the link to Coen and she puts it up. Maybe you're overanalyzing...., you're probably right.

5:39 PM  
Blogger Rick said...

"snap, snap, snap" You go Evil.

5:50 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

i've never gotten snaps before. certainly never ones written out in word form. thanks, slightly gay rick.

6:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bad at Life, I just saw it the other day, the crane builds and breaks down itself. It's actually quite amazing. Only the long arm and the cabin remains.
Ha! Now I am the provider of answers (albeit non-evil). How do you like that ED? I think I'll move some furniture around too while I'm here.

6:11 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

thank you, anon. i had no idea how to answer that one, and you've saved me. for doing so, i present you with free membership to my evil fanclub, as well as two tickets to jersey boys. orchestra seating.

6:20 PM  
Blogger Dean Simakis said...

i just invented the term "bloggagencia" last week. i'm glad to see it has already entered the collective consciousness.

congratulations on making the big time. by the way, i have tried like six out of seven of these tactics, especially the parts about gratuitous gawker references and not being funny, and still no dice.

6:36 PM  
Anonymous trayday said...

good job, ED. You made it to the big time, baby.

8:15 PM  
Blogger isla said...

Too funny.

I am glad they are changing it up. I love TAN but ready for some new blogs.

10:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just to be clear, Evil D has always been big time. Even before Evil D was an Evil man, way back when he was just an Evil boy, he was still big time. And by big time, I mean, he has always been the most greatest blogster on the planet, and was even gawked once before without having to resort to such low level desperate hilarity. So there.

And no, this is not Evil D masquerading as an anonymous commenter, trying to make himself look cool. Why would I, I mean he, do that?

12:02 AM  
Blogger raincoaster said...

TAN's got the juice, baby.

3:44 AM  
Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

Isla is to be silenced IMMEDIATELY!

ED - spoke too soon, son

raincoaster - I was actually thinking about the juice reference when I first read it. But thinking of it more with me as tupac, and ED/omar epps killing me. and someone saying to ED "you've got the juice now"

Anyways, Snod is sure to put me in blogohrreeaahh [sic] Time-Out for at least a couple months after this...

thats if she hasn't moved on to some glam editing position elsewhere ...

*winks to crowd*

2:22 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

tan, i never meant to hurt you. i love you and your assimilated ways.

5:11 PM  
Anonymous becca said...

I can't believe this actually worked. And that I followed that link to get here.


2:13 AM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

I can't believe you actually left a comment too.

Sheezus, indeed.

10:20 AM  
Blogger Betty said...

Um, ED you owe me. You realize as I was sitting around with the roomie drinking beer- I told her about this post and the comment I left. Otherwise I would neve have read it.

11:15 PM  
Anonymous slinkybender said...

anon -

Think twice before taking those orchestra seats with the jersey boys.

They're a bukkake ensemble.

8:58 AM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Thank you, Betty. I do owe you. But you owe me too, no? For introducing you to my world of wonder, wisdom, and unbridled sexiness?

10:38 AM  

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