Dear Evil Discussor... How do I get Gawker to gawk me?
1. Be Lianne Stokes, The Assimilated Negro, The Daily Dump, or any other blogger that gets gawked four times a day, and has been blogging since the Roosevelt Administration. Either Roosevelt Administration. Both work for this joke. Cause both took place before the internet was even an itch in Al Gore's large pants. Which is a very long time ago. And which are very large pants. And which is my point exactly. The point about it being a long time ago, that is. Not the point about the pants. Which isn't even true, that these bloggers have been around for that long or, for that matter, that Al Gore has such big pants, but come on, it's all for emphasis, and I didn't have much else to say about them, and, anyways, you know what I'm saying. Which is a perfect transition to my next point.
2. Be not funny. Try humor, but fail. The gawkers are human too. And, not only are they human, but they're also bloggers. And when you put those two things together, human and blogger, you get something very interesting. You get a "bluman." And also, a "hugger." With a hard "u" and, come to think of it, maybe just one "g." But, nevermind that, dumbface. What's more important here is that you get someone who is deeply insecure, overly protective and defensive, and who, most likely, used to sneak into their big sister's room when she went out, just to smell her bra. And who has now found quite a large amount of success in certain circles of New York bloggygentsia. And who I'm rather jealous of. I would gladly fornicate with my own forearm, and a bottle of YooHoo, at the same time, if it would only get them to like me. But that's inconsequential. And probably painful. And anyhow, the question is, if you had a big-ass, popular-ass, crazy-ass blog, would you want to link other funny-ass bloggers, and share the funny-ass stage with other funny-ass folks? No way-ass. You'd want to horde all the funny to your funny self. That's right. It's like, when you were a kid, and Yossi Rousch wanted to play with your Captain America doll. There was no fucking way, right? So, instead, you kneed him in the balls and ran away crying. Same situation. You're a funny-hording, Captain America-clutching, cry baby fuckwhore, and so are the gawkers. Keep this in mind.
3. Add 'hyphen ass' to words. It's an easy way to be mildly funny but not appear too try hard. It will also make your post seem more edgy. And you, cooler. You will be popular, and the ladies will dig your shit. This is the language that blogstars speak, especially Gawker, and you should speak it too if you want to roll with them, don't you think?
4. Call people douchebags, douchebag.
5. Write a long-winded, just barely amusing, personal anecdote about some ridiculously New Yorky experience of yours. Like, say, taking a girl home only to discover he's a homeless tranny. Or any hilariously awkward situation that takes place in your apartment elevator. Or that time you got the hivvies on the Uptown 6 train. Or something about real estate brokers. Or last night's Murray Hill sportsbar crawl.
6. If none of this works, write a post in which you flagrantly and shamelessly refer to Gawker over and over again in a ridiculously transparent, mostly non-sensical, completely desperate, utterly pathetic, and most probably failed attempt to get on Gawker itself. Try to have no one notice this embarassing transparency by half-heartedly framing the entire post as a Dear Abby-style reply, and also, by anonymously and cowardly disguising yourself under a half-baked pseudonym.
7. Also, be sure to mention earlier in the post at some point how its important to "not be funny." And try to make many references to being "ridiculously transparent," "completely desperate," "utterly pathetic," "cowardly," and to your "failed attempt." That way, when someone deems you not funny, ridiculously transparent, completely desperate, utterly pathetic, cowardly, and failed in your attempt, you're totally covered. And you can just say, "Exactly" or "Right" or even "See?"