Friday, July 28, 2006

Dear Evil Discussor... Why do mosquitoes love you so much?

I don't know. But do they fucking ever. Those skeeters turn my hot bod into one big piece of skeeter loving meat. They're drawn to little old Evil me like the love magnet that I am. They love me so much, it's like they want to have my little fucking skeeter babies. (I know. Same joke also used in previous post. But, would you get off my freaking back? This shit ain't easy, man.) (Fine. It is pretty easy. But you know what I mean.) If there is a mosquito anywhere in my general vicinity, it will buzz itself around, bypassing every other very biteable individual in the area, find its way my way, latch on to me, and suck me all night.

Which, by the way I just put it, doesn't sound so bad. Sounds pretty fucking titillating, actually, I've got to say.

But trust me, it's not. It's not a good sucking. It's sucking in a bad way. A big, bad blood-sucking. And worse, when those nasty fucking blood fucking sucker fuckers fucking bite me, the bites tend to itch like a crazy bitch and swell to mythic proportions. Once, when camping in the wilderness, I had the good fortune to be bit on my left eyelid, which then quickly and mercilessly swelled up to a ridiculous degree, so that I looked not unlike Eric Stoltz in Mask. Needless to say, I was a hit with the ladies.

Right now, I have two bites on my side that just won't quit. I must've been nailed by some flying fuckitoes sometime last night. But in Manhattan? Mosquitoes? Those have got to be the stankiest mosquitoes around. New York-style, homeless tranny, garbage picking, crystal meth addicted, hep-something mosquitoes. And they just threw a non-stop nasty little crystal meth sex party all over me.

But, I guess, when you think about it, the fact that mosquitoes enjoy my sumptuous flesh offerings is, like my Mom (pictured) says, just a testament to the fact that I'm so damn sweet, right?

Come on. Admit it. I'm sweet like a summery peach. I'm hot damn tastily evilicious, and you know it.

Alright,
E.D.

P.S. And, in case you're wondering, yes, that is my actual Evil mom. It's not like I just went on Google Images, typed in "mom" and went with the first picture I could find. What would be the point of that? That would just be plain stupid.

7 Comments:

Blogger Audrey. said...

Perhaps the mosquitoes simply aspire to your evil-ness - and since they cannot read your blog, they must suck your blood. Same thing, really.

10:29 AM  
Blogger Tilly said...

I bet you looked more along the lines of Eric Stolz in Mask when he was all "I'm a biker bad-ass" and my Moms is Cher, so back the fuckup. Yeah. I bet you really did.

12:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why's your mom up in google images?

12:52 PM  
Blogger Maulleigh said...

You need to get one of those big ass fans from the Duane Reade and have it blow on you all night long and shit. Fans be like Kryptonite to those crackahs.

I was on the train and a mosquito got on at about 42nd street and cleaned its filthy wings on the back of this womans' skirt. I just stared at her ass until 14th street. I think the Mosquito was going to Canal.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Dan said...

Man you should try living in Australia, those blood sucking fuckers are totally evil in every way down here. The size of baby alligators, or kangaroos,they hump your leg until its a swollen bloodied stump and then you die man. Thats all, die.
Love your blog evil, rub your entire body with abalone oil and go swimming down under sometime, only the truly evil would dare...

5:53 AM  
Anonymous archeress said...

they get you at night when you leave limbs outside the sheets. get one of those cool Sheherazade net things to go around your evil bed. you can tell stories in there at night and it's fun. or, try my concoction of eucalyptus oil mixed with a little olive oil. skitos HATE it. and it's all natural.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Maria Langley said...

I came upon this blog by googling "why do mosquitoes love me so fucking much". I do not regret it one bit.

1:57 PM  

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