Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Dear Evil Discussor... Why do most real estate brokers look like they just had a crack sandwich for lunch?

I know that in order to attract potential buyers and sellers, it's important that real estate brokers make themselves look pleasant and approachable in their photos. But come on. Must they always look like someone's taped their eyelids back Clockwork Orange-style and just shoved an insanely happy crazy stick up their poopers?



I mean, first off, these people are clearly completely wacko. Certainly not fit to be entrusted with your future housing situation.





And secondly, nobody's ever been this happy in their lives. Ever. Not after sex. Not after the Red Sox won. Not after the birth of their children. Not after passing the world's largest kidney stone. Maybe once, when this guy I knew from high school came to visit and finally got the fuck out of my apartment after three weeks was I this happy. Maybe.



I don't know. What makes them so giddy? What could possibly explain this ever present shit-eating grin? Oh yeah. Money. I'd probably be this annoyingly happy too if I knew I was going to make a broker's fee equivalent to, like, 8 months rent off of every sucker that walked through the door. Not to mention a gazillion thousand million from every sale.



For me, and maybe you would agree, it would be fine if a broker just displayed a friendly smile in their photo, or some subtle expression conveying warmth and a certain amount of affability, instead of intensely staring deep into my dark soul and boring a hole out of my back with their crazily creeptastic eyes, like some character in a M. Night Shamalama movie. I don't really need that in a broker. In fact, I don't really need much. Just maybe someone whose got some listings I can look at pronto and maybe won't make me come to their office and fill out one of those annoyingly useless long-ass forms before they show me anything. That would be nice. But what I definitely don't need is to rest my housing future in the quivering hands of a teeth-baring, eyes-staring, crack-happy, cracked-up, crack-face broker. Like her. So clearly full of crack sammies, I had to show her again.




Yours,
E.D.

36 Comments:

Blogger bowling with no panties said...

OH ED, Do I empathize!! AND AGREE. You think they are enthusiastic THERE in the CITY? Come on up to Cow Country where a McMansion on a one acre lot can get you about 30% of a gajillion dollars. These fuckers are so happy that they radiate sunbeams from their head, like those old Medieval Paintings of Jesus.

ESPECIALLY when you visit their real estate booth at Village Fair Days and they try to recruit you into their cult of happy cracky property sales like they've got an E-Meter under their pile of business cards. I could never sell real estate because I am too morose.

10:58 AM  
Blogger copyranter said...

this is the first time I've laughed out loud in years. I took a pic of my face. it still doesn't look this creepy.

11:28 AM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

If I have made your day even a little bit brighter, CR, then I have done what I have set out to do. And all is right with the world.

3:20 PM  
Blogger concha said...

you can thank cr for sending me here, because he's right. this was fucking hillarious.

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think crack makes you smile all that much(maybe on the inside it does). Fortunately I haven't been exposed to that many crackheads, aside from those I pass on the street everyday. And to those people I say: "Cheer up and smile fuckers."

12:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm, I guess that you just have to feel sorry for the people you posted. Its just biology on some of them. When I found myself on your post, I realized that maybe I shouldn't have had orthodonture or shouldn't have laughed at the joke the photographer told. Well, this was my lunchtime chukle - when I read the blogs. I think that you have a little too much time on your hands looking for us...

1:32 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Come now, it's not "biology." Nothing is biologically strange about any of these people. It's just the insanely overwhelming glee that's bizarre really.

And please, don't let this make you doubt your orthodonture. Your teeth are wonderful, I'm sure of it.

1:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what is your problem? why do you all think it's ok to make fun of the way someone looks? a smile is a smile and my bet is most of you have a bigger crack when you bend over then you can ever have across your faces. losers...

1:53 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

I'm not really making fun of the way someone looks, so much as commenting on the state of broker photos in general, using some choice pics as examples.

Please, do relax. Everyone looks slightly funny in headshots. But not everyone looks insanely craptastically happy.

2:02 PM  
Blogger nukdaddy said...

I love this!! But I think every picture her tells me about their Personality, Let me tell you what I see!!(from top left to right then down)
Picture 1: "I'm Fucking Clueless!"
Picture 2: "If I smile big enough they won't see my Fro!"
Picture 3: "God I'm Boring!"
Picture 4: "I hope me dentures stay in place!"
Picture 5: "I have a hamster in My ass and I'm loving it!"
Picture 6: "OPEN BAR!!WHERE??"
Picture 7: "So this one day, at bandcamp!!"
Picture 8: "I hope this bowtie dosen't make me look Gay, the window treatments in here are Fabulous!!!"
Picture 9: "This lovely two bed is located around a KFC,two Krispy Creme's, and the best Dirty water dog vender in the City, I'd move here in a second!"

Well That's what I see!

2:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's face it....they are all FAKE- just putting on a smile so that they can make some $$$ Give me a break.....

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Larry said...

Oh man, one of the peoples' pictures you posted left a comment here? That's incredible.

4:19 PM  
Blogger Sharon said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey this made me laugh. Estate agents as we know them in the UK. Always suited and booted

4:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

try HotPads.com or CraigsList

5:21 PM  
Blogger Sharon said...

The Worst are the brokers who look like they are too cool to smile for you. The whole "I'm Too Sexy" thing, but without the sense of humour.

5:29 PM  
Blogger Gigi said...

This is so incredibly wrong, but so incredibly right.

Oh god, I just remembered that my dad is one of these people.

Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary ... continued add infinitum...

5:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

While I agree that most brokers' pictures are frightening, the "teeth-baring, eyes-staring, crack-happy, cracked-up, crack-face broker" you had to show twice is actually the only broker in my experience that didn't give me hand full of crap promises and lies like every other dirt bag broker I dealt with. During my search, she even sent me listings from other brokers that would not co-broke with her. That meant $0 for her. I get that this is playful fun but also think it's important to know that not all brokers should be defined by their cheesy pictures.

5:41 PM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

This is the reason I plan on keeping my current apartment.

6:05 PM  
Anonymous ValleyBroker said...

That's why you'll never buy a house - because you don't like agent pictures? Dude, if we all looked good, we'd be models or actors, not agents.

6:37 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Anon 5:41, I'm glad you agree with me about broker photos. And it's good to know that the broker I showed twice is a good and fair and decent broker. If anyone needs one, now they know where to find one. It's just that I am Evil Discussor, the evilest man in all of Evilstan. Evil's in my name, for pete sakes. What am I to do?

6:38 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

I guess I can change the name of this site to The Sweetheart or Johhny Happycakes but I don't know.

Come to think of it, Johnny Happycakes is kind of good.

6:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do agree that these people appear overly amiable. However, if the broker didn't smile and wasn't friendly, you wouldn't rent the apartment from the person.

11:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's see your picture....

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you kidding me? Stop defending these ebullient, smile freaks. No one is making fun of their physiologies, only their psychologies – and that, they can change. I don’t know which is more annoying: these overly-happy or you, overly-sensitive people.

Funny posting. Kudos.

12:02 PM  
Blogger CrackPhoto said...

Check me out - I'm the crack-y-est agent EVER.

12:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I made broker commissions I would hire the best portrait photographer I could find.

5:57 PM  
Blogger The Sushi Monster said...

Sweet fancy Moses do I know what you're talking about. I mean, I know these are supposed to be ingratiating photos and not what the person is like on the inside, but that is a LIE.

My boss, former Real Estate agent that he is, is EXACTLY as these pictures would suggest, i.e. coked to the gills and super-happy to be so!

My inner asshole wishes I could link him to this site and show him that not everyone is happy to have that Happy Stick repeatedly slammed into their faces every day.

5:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

COMPLETE DISGUST is the only thing that has come to mind when reading your comments.
What gives you the right to make fun of the way someone looks??? Making fun of someones weight, their age, or calling them gay....sounds to me like this site is filled with a bunch of bitter people.
One thing that you need to keep in mind is that these people have families, mothers/fathers, and children that are going to read what you wrote about them? How would you feel is someone put your wife/mother/brother's photo up on a website to let people made cheap shots at them??
I can't imagine that you would be too happy...and if you say that you wouldn't care than put up a pic of your family and lets see what people have to say about them....

10:28 AM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

anon, please refer to my comments at 1:45 and 2:02.

this isn't about making fun of someone's weight, age, or possible gayness. and you're right, anyone who might've done so is probably a rather bitter person. and really not so good with the funny.

10:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ED - where is YOUR photo? And are you paid by the Corcoran Group's competitors? All the photos are from corcoran.com. Unless you don't know any other RE firms

12:41 AM  
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4:45 PM  
Blogger haikusue said...

TOO friggin hilarious! I hate my real estate agent can I send you her pic for public mockery?

4:55 PM  
Anonymous Luxury Real Estate in Arizona said...

Our agent was a true professional, he answered all our queries and was very clear about the whole process. He even told us about his upcoming work schedule so that we could get a better response time.

2:37 AM  

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