Friday, August 18, 2006

Dear Evil Discussor... Is it blog-love at first sight?

Alright, forget about that short post thing for a minute. The Evil D needs your help, and knows not where else to turn. I recently had some email correspondence with a lady who wants to marry me. Which is really nice of her and all. But I'm not sure. Should I?




The following is the email exchange between me and a Jessica so and so, under her subject heading "Forward and entirely inappropriate" :

Jessica:
Dear Evil Discussor,

I think I'm in love with you. Will you marry me?

Jess

P.S. Does it bother you that "discussor" is not a real word? That's gotta hurt.


Evil:
Jessica, I will answer your entirely inappropriate questions in a future post. But let me ask you this, are you above the legal marrying/consensual-sexing age? Because, I've been in trouble like this before, and honestly, I'm not going back to the fucking big house. Ever. The Evil has done his time and sworn off crime.


Jessica:
I am twenty-seven years of age. I don't know if that constitutes the consensual-sexing age (and I have not, in fact, consented to having sex with you) but it's definitely the legal marrying age. I have consented to marrying you, if you'll have me.


Evil:
Check the blog next week, sweet Jessica. And I will answer your query.
Please enjoy the weekend. And please be sure to think of me wherever you may go.


Jessica:
R-A-D. I'll be picking out china patterns and sending out invitations.

------

Just like that. Out of the blue. A marriage proposal. Followed by china patterns and invitations. Just like they said it would be. Who'd a thunk it would happen like this? Now? At the prime of my blogging career? You can tell in the email that, like usual, I was just trying to be funny, even resorting to rhyme at one point, when, in actuality, I was rather nervous. Wouldn't you be? I mean, she just popped the fucking question for fucksakes. This is some serious fucking business. One of the biggest decisions of my ever loving life probably. I'm understandably flustered. I am very much into effing, but when it comes to marriage, I get a little squirrelly. Squirrelly like a squirrel, munching on a faceful of nuts. That didn't come out right.

Am I ready for this? For this commitment? A lifetime union? A one way ticket to monogamy town? A weekly schedule on the fridge detailing on which days I will and will not receive blowjobs? Plus, she recoiled at even the mention of consensual sex at this point. What the fuck does that mean? That's crazy talk. Also, she ribbed me a bit on my "Discussor" name. (Which is something I'll have to deal with in an entirely other post altogether.) But tell me, was it the playfully flirtatious ribbing between two would-be lovers I sensed? Or the animosity of a cornered cat, of a woman scorned one too many times, of a no doubt about it soon-to-be axe murderer?

Though, there definitely are things I like about her. Like, mainly, the fact that she likes me. What's not to like about that? She's obviously got a good head on her shoulders. But speaking of "good head," there's so much about her I don't know. She's obviously smart and funny, bold and confident. Her spelling and grammar, perfect and effortless. Her tone, warm and charming. But is she into bringing her friends home for all night crystal meth threeway fuck sessiones? (Yes, with a Mexican emphasis.) And wait a minute. Hold the phones. Could it possibly be? No way. It couldn't. Or, could it? Is this Jessica, perhaps, Jessica Coen, Esq. of Gawkerhood fame? Might be. She's certainly got the wit and intelligence. Not to mention, the panache. I don't even know what "panache" is, but I do know it's French, and that she has it. In spades. So, could be. Who can say?

I really don't know what to do. But I do know, that when it comes to immense, life-altering, history-changing decisions, it's always good to leave it in the hands of anonymous blog commenters and other sadsacks, don't you think? So, should I say "yes"? "I'll think about it"? Or "no fucking way"? I know, the tables are turned. The high and mighty Evil has stepped off of his high and mighty pedestal for a moment and stooped down to your extremely lowly pleebish level. But he needs your advice now. Will you help him? Please cast your vote. My future, and the future of my fucking, depend on it.

Help,
E.D.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, I wouldn't cast this woman off right away, although it's rather strange to propose marriage over email. Tell her you'd think about it, you want to meet her, then string her along until you fuck her. Depending on how the sex is should determine what the next step is.

Oh yea and my guess is "Jessica" is one of your friends fucking with you, but hey, you could get some pussy out of this.

- Loyal Anon.

10:08 AM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

thanks, but, easy with all the cussing. there are most likely young children reading this. they make up a hefty percentage of my fan base.

10:16 AM  
Blogger Slinky Redfoot said...

Evil, I'd take what you can get. Coen is rich, Jewish, hot, and gets a lot more hits on her blog. Even if it's not 'the' Jessica Coen, close enough.

12:43 PM  
Anonymous Becca said...

She didn't use the word douchebag once. I say go for it.

1:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok all of you i did'nt ever think i'd have to intervene on the husbands little after school blogging, but i could'nt just let this one slide. I am Mrs. Discussor, yup, ED has been married to me for 1 year and 51 days. He is as sexy as he is funny and is extremely humpable, so eat your heart out ladies, but ED is all mine.
The Original Hump Day Hussy

3:05 PM  
Anonymous Jess said...

Eating my own heart out seems like a drastic move... Congratulations on your recent nuptuals! Honestly, if I had known that the discussor had an evil partner in crime, I would never have made such an (apparently) indecent proposal. Best of luck to you both. (ED, where do I send the bill so you can reimburse me for the invites, douchebag?)
Jess

3:27 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Honey, get off my blog. Start your own.

Also, what's for dinner?

4:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can you say, "fugly"?

6:19 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Can you say, "whatthe?" or "howsthat?"

7:43 PM  

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