Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Dear Evil Discussor... Is there really ever any reason to ever go to St. Louis ever?


No.

Much like many/most/almost all/all American cities that aren't New York, there's really very little reason for St. Louis to even exist. And I know, because, I spent last night there. Which now makes me the resident expert on St. Louis, yes?

I have seen Missouri. And its inhabitants. And its finest city. And I am proof positive (does that make sense? maybe? hey, back the fuck off. what are you, my fucking editor?) that it's a horrible place that no one should ever bother visiting. Unless of course you're writing a book called Horrible Places. In that case, it makes complete sense that you would visit there. Go ahead. See if I care. Actually don't. Don't bother. I'll give you the lowdown right now. And save you the hassle. You can just pretend you went. No one'll ever know. Cause no one ever goes there. Not even people who live in St. Louis go to St. Louis. That's how bad St. Louis is.

It's kind of like Phoenix. But with a river. And an arch. And, oh yeah, also, a sports bar. And that's it, as far as I can tell. I can say pretty conclusively -- I did spend three hours there, after all -- that there is nothing whatsoever to do, see, visit, eat, drink, fuck, shit, piss or sleep there. Its no place for an Evil Discussor to be. No. Such an awesome, popular, prolific, and powerful blogger such as I needs a city like St. Louis not.

Here's a poem/spoken word thing I wrote, entitled
"Fuck St. Louis (Fuck It Hard)":

Fuck St. Louis!
Fuck it hard!
We don't need it!
Let's burn down St. Louis!
Let's burn down its houses and steal all its gold bouillon!
Is there bouillon there?
I'm not sure.
If so, great. We'll take it!
If not, well, fuck you!
And we'll take that Arch too.
We'll bring it back to New York and put it in a park somewhere.
As a symbol of our conquest of your civic-ass, St. Louis!
We'll put it in Washington Square Park!
Yes!
How brilliant!
Am I!
Right across from the other arch!
We can have an arch off!
And, at the same time, score some weed!
Or oregano!
Who cares?
We'll have a good time.
We'll watch some acrobatic youngsters do their thing!
Or an effeminate guy will strum us a horrible John Mayer tune on his acoustic guitar!
Either way, it'll be great!
Unlike St. Louis!
Fuck that city!
Hard!
Fuck!

E.D.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Evil Discussor,
Why did you take Tuesday off?

1:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So why the fuck were you in St. Louis?

I'm still going to read your blog everyday, E.D., but I must say I'm a little disappointed in these last couple of posts. I mean you're still evil and angry, but just not as funny.

Dear Evil Discussor,
Are you becoming less funny?

- (becoming) less and less Loyal Anon

2:03 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Ha ha! That comment was hilarious!

You are a master with the irony, loyal friend!

Hysterical!

2:57 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

I believe you have captured the "Spirit of St. Louis."

3:09 PM  
Blogger archeress said...

Nelly.

Nelly is a reason to go there.

you'll find may
in St. Loo-ay
where the gun play
rains all day

some sell yes
and some sell yay
some just smoke
and fuck all day

-country grammar or something like that

or you can drive up to Hannibal and see the statue of Mark Twain.
The Mississippi is pretty damn good. It's not the Hudson, but it's pretty damn good, ED. You new yorkers, you think we got it all here. okay well we do have it all here, but still.

9:28 AM  
Blogger archeress said...

funny, i should rotate my profile pic so it looks like i'm shooting copyranter in the ass...

9:30 AM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

You are right, archeress. St. Louis may not really be that horrible. It is I who is horrible. And lazy mainly. It's so much easier to hate than it is to love.

10:25 AM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

I prefer to think of you shooting copyranter not in the ass, but right in the gonads.

Actually, pretty well straight to the taint.

10:27 AM  
Anonymous Love me the Lou said...

E.D.,

I must take issue with you RE: STL. First, let me say - FUCK YOU, you ignorant coastie!

St. Louis is an awesome city. It is a great sports town with the Cardinals, Rams and Blues.

While downtown is rather sleepy at night, the Riverfront area with the clubs and casinos are a fun time.

The town is filled with great neighborhoods, great resturants and museums and the best zoo in the nation (it's free too), you pencil-necked douchebag!

6:04 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Yes! Yes!

More hate!

More evil!

More references to douchebaggery!

6:48 PM  
Blogger Maulleigh said...

I'm never going there because you told me I don't have to. I spent a year in Sacramento and know that everything non-New York looks exactly the same. If there's an Olive Garden downtown, I don't need to go there.

I'm now the president of the "We Love Evil Discussor" fanclub. Me and my girlfriends sit around, do each others hair and talk about what you're doing and what you're wearing. Bowling with no Panties stole one of your shirts from out of your locker and we take turns wearing it and sleeping with it.

4:03 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

If you need any help getting membership cards printed, let me know. I know a guy.

12:46 PM  

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