Dear Evil Discussor... Why aren't you writing a post about the fact that you had an emergency appendectomy a couple of weeks ago?

Maybe because my readers want comedy gold. Not heart wrenching human drama. They want gags and laffs, not pains and aches. They want comedic diarrhea, not real diarrhea. They don't want to hear about my insanely painful belly pains, how I thought I was just having the world's worst stomach ache because of the night before's assorted ingestion of beer, wine, cheese, creamy pasta, turkey sausage, an ice cream cookie, vodka, a bunch of olives, and then some ice cream cake. Yes. You heard me right. Two ice cream desserts. I know how to party.

I could tell them about my little jaunt to the ER. The discovery of a perforated appendix. My subsequent immediate surgery. Followed by my four days of surreally surreal recovery, walking down the hospital hallways with an IV in my arm, and my asscrack hanging loose for alls to see. But they don't want to hear about that. Well, maybe they want to hear about my asscrack. And asscracks in general. But not the rest of it. They don't want to hear about that lame stuff. They want to hear about douchebags. And assholery. Cocks. And also penises. They want to hear about fucknoses and blerds. About cocks again. And maybe even some vaginas. They want hussies and hussaliciousness. They want me to be the Blogstar that I am. Not the whining appendix-less puppy that sometimes cries his poor, sad, broken, appendix-less puppy self to bed at night. They want evil. Evilness. Evilocity. Evilociousness. Evilaciouscrazyawesomeness. They want hilarity. Pseudo-hilarious hilarity. Horribly hilarious hilarfiousness. Yes, hilarfiousness.

Why? Because they're my readers. And I made them that way. That's right. I made them in my own, beautiful, hilarfious image.

E.D.