Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Dear Evil Discussor... Is this where I will find my Special Speed Round Question Day questions answered?

Yes. It's Special Speed Round Question Day on Evil Discussor. I am answering your awful questions even as I type this. It's crazy! Trust me on that.

Dear Evil Discussor... Paper or plastic?
The Evil Discussor does not shop for groceries. The Evil Discussor hunts animals for his meat and farms the land for his vegetables. For microwave popcorn and hummos, however, the Evil Discussor uses Fresh Direct.

Dear Evil Discussor... Top or bottom?
Bottom. I'm a voracious reader. And that way I can read as well.

Dear Evil Discussor... Hanging left or hanging right?
Both. My biologically-astounding, genetically-miraculous, dopple-headed, lady-pleasing, pork-machine hangs both ways. Obviously.
On another note, your 'This or That?' style of questioning is beginning to bore my very easily bored evil mind.

Dear Evil Discussor... Do you not have a job?
Yes, amish, I do. But when your job title is Evil Mastermind, you make time for these sorts of things.

Alright fine, I'm only Senior Associate Evillator in charge of Evilocity, but I've heard talk of a promotion.

Dear Evil Discussor... Saline or silicon?
Spellcheck, young anonymous, can be the difference between the abundant brittle nonmetallic chemical element found naturally in sand, granite, clay and many minerals, or, the silicon-based synthetic substance in the form of a heat and water-resistant grease, oil, or plastic, that you use to make big boobies.

Dear Evil Discussor... Is Loyal Anon maybe the lamest and worst anonymous commenter in the history of anonymous commenters, failing so utterly in his attempts at both humor and insight, with comments that make very little grammatical sense, and are generally hard to make any sense of whatsoever, such as the question he just asked, "Is it completely necessary to wash-up after 'domless anal?'" and does he often make you sad, each comment of his leaving you more and more regretful of the fact that you ever started a blog in the first place?
Yes. Absolutely.

Dear Evil Discussor... Did someone actually ask that last question or was that you?
That was me.

Dear Evil Discussor... How about that last one?
Me again. But let's stop this, Brain, or we could go on like this forever, k?

Dear Evil Discussor... Is this what it's come to?
Indeed, Chris, this is what its come to. Or, is this what it always was? And also, were those italics used appropriately or not?

Maybe it's correct, what you infer. That your once great and greatly magnificent blogmaster has been reduced to a pathetic shell of his former self. A circus freak. A sideshow. That he is now the Bearded Lady of Blogging. The Dog-Faced Blogger Boy. That he has become both Ang, and Chang, Siamese Bloggers. Its true. I am the Tri-Titted Wonder. You want to look away, but you can't. You are enthralled, and disgusted, by my metaphorical triple-breasted action. Don't look away, Chris, don't. Not even for a second. Stare at all three of my breasts. Embrace me. Embrace them. They are milky and soft. Pillowy, some say. Like the softest soft clouds. Go ahead. Touch them. For free, this time. You know you want to.

But more importantly, let's get back to embracing me. As I am. As the pathetic, snivelling, attention starved blogster with, clearly, way too much time on his hands, that I have always been. Love that. Love me. Love love.

Dear Evil Discussor... What is the sound of one hand clapping?
I don't know, Copyrantyface. But I do know this. I am amazing at what I do. And this here rapid fire question ingestion session is an obvious testament to the powers of my undeniable blogging prowess. And you, you are not half bad either, CR. Each day, "doing your thing" for all of the world's enjoyment and entertainment. Enterjoyment, really. Or, likewise, Enjoytainment, if preferred. Scuse me if I get a little emotional here, but this whole Special Speed Round Question Special Day Thing has drained me a tad, leaving me a wee bit nostalgic, in a 'weeping on the floor naked in the prone position' kind of way. May I just say, on behalf of the whole blogging community: God bless you, Ranter. Bless your sweet little ranting heart. And bless every one of your posts. Even the really half-baked awful ones. Those dreadfully boring ones that you clearly just mail in to fill some sort of personal quota. God bless those ones too.

Dear Evil Discussor... Are you a "Freegan"?
Dear Evil Discussor... Again... Are you a "Freegan"?
In response to both of your questions, New Anonymous Retard, maybe I am, maybe I’m not. But one thing’s for sure. You are, most definitely, a new anonymous retard.

Also, in the future, try to make your questions slightly different. Makes it more interesting.

Dear Evil Discussor... So, has this been fun for you? (It was for me)
Amish, although it might have seemed like it, we did not just go out on a date. What's next? Are you going to try and kiss me on the porch?

Anyhow, good to know you've enjoyed this. This, my personal test of will and amazing feat of bloggy strength. It is also good to know that my blogging powers know no limits.

Dear Evil Discussor... Did you have online sex with Rep. Mark Foley?
If you want politics, go to The Drudge Report or Wonkette or Ebaum's World Of Extreme Backyard Bareknuckle Fighting and Awesome Motorcycle Wheelies and Also Probably Some Anal Fisting. But leave my current events-free ass alone.

Dear Evil Discussor... Do you and rantypants hang out? I have (sexual) fantasies about having the two of you at the same time.
First, if your fantasies are only brackets sexual, then, I'm afraid that's not quite sexual enough for me.
Second, the idea of my naked manstick anywhere near Copyranter makes me nauseous and disgusted and, fine, a little bit hard.
And third, how do I even know that you're a woman? There's so many freaky deaky dumbheaded fucknosed anonymous commenters around this stinkhole of a blog, that I'm sure would get off on playing the part of a damsel, and probably would love nothing more than to enjoy me and maybe the Copyranter sans-knickers. So you see, I'm a little bit cautious and a tad crazy paranoid about the whole tryst thing. Prove that you're a femfem.


Anonymous loyal anon said...

HAHAHAAHA - you ass. Much better response. What would you do without me?

1:31 PM  
Anonymous debbie said...

is there a nerdy way to tell whethe all the loyal anon comments are being written from the same computer. ive heard talk of ISPs or DWIs or something. there could be an evil "bill" who decides hell write some badass insulting comment as "loyal anon" and you could start to resnt his very existence while hes simply sitting at his computer eating a bagel.

o, and is it possible im a little obsessed? am i even the right debbie? fuck. now im scared.

1:47 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

Dear E.D.:

what is the sound of one hand clapping?


2:54 PM  
Anonymous new anonymous retard said...

Again...Are you a "Freegan"?

3:31 PM  
Anonymous new anonymous retard said...

Answer the question douchenozzle,
you seem to be the type to eat out of a dumpster

3:47 PM  
Anonymous amish said...

So, has this been fun for you? (It was for me)

3:51 PM  
Anonymous new anonymous retard said...

Also douchenozzle,did you have online sex with Rep.Mark Foley?

3:51 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Yikes. Easy with the demands.

I love/hate when someone loves/hates me so much.

I also love when I give someone a name and it just sticks. Especially a name so damn apt that it's like it was handed down by Zeus himself.

3:52 PM  
Anonymous new anonymous retard said...

How many times has Zeus "handed" things down to you? Does he charge you ? Also, does he/you use protection when Zeus "hands things down?"

4:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear evil discussor:

do you and rantypants hang out? i have (sexual) fantasies about having the two of you at the same time.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Even though you are clearly full of man-love for me, NAR, I must turn you away. It's too pathetic. I never thought I'd say it, but you're actually visiting my site too much. And it kind of saddens me. You've been cut off. No more questions. Go to another site. Or go nap. Or go hurt yourself or something.

4:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear evil discussor:

you didn't really answer my question, about whether or not you and copyranter hang out. however, my roommate sorta wants copyranter to herself. so, as it turns out, no need for your evil naked manstick to be anywhere near him.

as far as me being a femfem, here is my proof: 1) i know what miss sixty and true religion are. 2) i use aveda products and smell nice. 3) i wear la perla bras. 4) i drive a mini cooper. do you need further proof? i can go on and on...

6:04 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Sounds believable. The mention of clearly chick-ish brands, as well as the use of numerical lists and proper punctuation. Clearly not any one of my many idiot anonymous commenters/stalkers.

But the Evil D demands more proof. Please go right ahead and email undeniable proof of ladyness his way.

6:33 PM  
Blogger copyranter said...

Dear E.D.

at least I keep my half-baked posts short. also, I consider "half-baked" to be an overestimation.


8:45 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

CR, your half-baked posts make my half-baked posts look merely a quarter baked.

10:57 PM  
Blogger archeress said...

"femfem" anon, sure can't blame your roommate for wanting the wily ranter snake to herself, but he's not available right now. last weekend, yes, she could have had him then, no problem, but now, i don't think so. they don't hang out by the way. does anyone really know who evil is?

10:48 AM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

We do not hang out. Though I'm sure the Copyranterman would love nothing more than to roll with the likes of me. Maybe have some of my evil mojo rub off on his ranty ass.

And though it might've sounded like I just said that "I'd like to rub one out all over the Copyranter's ass," that is not actually what I said at all.

11:02 AM  
Anonymous femfem said...

archeress, did you consummate your blog-love with ranter last weekend?!

i don't think anybody does know who evil is. i am eagerly awaiting naked pictures but so far no luck.

11:25 AM  
Blogger archeress said...

uh, i was talking about something else re last weekend, nevermind. if you want to add your name to the waiting list for CR, send photos. i can't promise anything, though, he's kind of picky and very fussy. but i'd pay to see evil and ranter eat cheese fries together.

10:20 AM  

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