Monday, May 01, 2006

Dear Evil Discussor... Why do I love Sarah Nussbaum?

Here's a question posted by an obviously smitten anonymous poster. And here's my answer.

Because.
Because she turns your crank, boy-o.
Because she makes you feel all gushy inside.
Because she's hotter than hot.
Because her sister's hot too.
Because she prefers to eat at Taco Bell over anyplace else.
Because she can drink you under the table if she wanted to.
Because when she passes, you get a tingle tween the knees.
Because sometimes, at the right angle, you can see through her shirt.
Because she never wears clamdiggers, capris, culottes, or any sort of non-full length pant.
Because she's read more books than you.
Because she doesn't have a Blackberry or Palm Pilot.
Because she's got a nice chunk of cash in a Preferred Money Market Savings account.
Because sometimes her hair is straight and sometimes its all curly.
Because her cell phone ring is the first few bars of Kashmir.
Because she's never worn a pant suit.
Because in junior high she had boobs before any other girl.
Because you see those boobs every night in your dreams.
Because she makes a killer lasagna.
Because she converts that dull aching pain in your belly into butterflies.
Because she's Mindy to your Mork. Spock to your Kirk. Sundance Kid to your Butch Cassidy.
Because she doesn't mind getting dutch ovened. In fact, she kind of likes it.
Because she refuses to eat mayonnaise.
Because her favorite train is the F train.
Because she smells like rainbows and rosebuds. The chocolate kind.
Because she doesn't say "like" a lot.
Because, when she was a kid, she used to cut out Absolut Vodka ads and hang them on her wall.
Because she doesn't put sour cream in her seven layer dip.
Because sometimes she walks around her apartment bottomless like Juliane Moore in Shortcuts.
Because no matter where you look you think of something that makes you think of her.
Because she's got the tiniest little toes in all of toetown.
Because she wouldn't even care if you wrote a stupid-ass blog.
Because she doesn't even exist.
Because you're so dumb and she's so smart.
Because you've seen her belly button and that's enough.
Because everyone's in love with Sarah Nussbaum.
Because she's fucking Sarah Nussbaum, that's why.


Yours,
E.D.


And now, a question for all of my dear readers. Why do you love Sarah Nussbaum?

10 Comments:

Blogger bowling with no panties said...

Because she is living proof that girls who play dumb are tolerated...but for only so long.

4:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Because she's a girl, and girls are purty.

5:11 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Correction: This post, or as I like to call it, the greatest collection of words ever collected on a computer screen, was originally written using the name of a somewhat popular minor television celebrity. Unfortunately, the name had to be changed following a pretty threatening call from her lawyers and then, of course, a cease and desist order.


(Okay, fine. It was Kelly Pickler from American Idol. And, fine, there was no call from her lawyers. Fine, fine, no cease and desist either. I just didn't realize when I wrote it that Kelly Pickler is indeed a contestant on American Idol, and not, as I had erroneously thought from the question posted by anonymous, some imaginary made-up girl that I could easily attribute all of the characteristics and attributes I could think of to make her into that most perfectest girl that fills my dreamy dream nights with wonder, longing, and delight. My bad. Even Evil Discussor gets confused, see? So I changed the name to Sarah Nussbaum. It's better that way. Anyways, what do you care? I doubt you do. Chances are you're not even reading this. I mean, its on a comments page first off. Its in parentheses. And its in italics and all. Which, unlike what I told you in a previous post of mine, does not in this case denote sneaky slyness, but rather, a general lack of importance. So why would you bother reading it? Stop. Go back to whatever time wasting nonsense you were doing before. You can't possibly be that sad and pathetic that you're actually reading this crap. In fact, I'm so positive no one's reading this that I can sneak in swear words shitface and no one fuck will ever be assholedickmouthfuckhead the wiser. Anyhow, sweatyballsonyourforehead now I know who Kelly Pickler is, and if I were not such a Luddite, nightly shunning the TV box in favor of smarter stuff such as books, essays, manuscripts and engineering manuals, perhaps I would have known who this Pickler was, thus saving myself some embarassment. Yet there is a silver lining to the Evil Discussor's tremendous ignorance, nay innocence. Without said awe-inspiring innocence, I most certainly would not have written the most amazingly lovely and heartfeltly perfect piece of prose poetry ode-manship ever witnessed by man. And you, dear reader, most certainly would have never had the tremendous good fortune of reading it. What a grave injustice that would have been! A horrible tragedy to say the least! You see, even in accident, I bless you with an immeasurable wealth of spirit and knowledge of the highest degree. I can't help it. For I am Evil Discussor. Smartest and most popular blogger in shit dick cockface blow job the world.

9:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is S.N. you S.O.? So sweet.

2:58 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Whatthe and whothefuck?

3:15 PM  
Blogger Daily Hater said...

I have a question for you. Why is Evil Discussor inferior to the Daily Hater?

3:36 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Yes, Daily Hater, now you have given yourself a free comments page plug on my blog, as I have done on yours.

All is fair in love and war and bloggy blogland I suppose.

Keep on hating, and be sure to check back soon.

3:43 PM  
Blogger Daily Hater said...

Glad to see you're not hating the game.

I'll be sure to stop by, please feel free to do the same. It appears that we hae some of the same readers.

10:11 PM  
Blogger Julian said...

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12:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what made you choose the name sarah nussbaum? eeeehh???


sarah...nussbaum =]

oldsoul_sdn@yahoo.com

11:51 PM  

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