Dear Evil Discussor... Why do I love Sarah Nussbaum?

Here's a question posted by an obviously smitten anonymous poster. And here's my answer.

Because.
Because she turns your crank, boy-o.
Because she makes you feel all gushy inside.
Because she's hotter than hot.
Because her sister's hot too.
Because she prefers to eat at Taco Bell over anyplace else.
Because she can drink you under the table if she wanted to.
Because when she passes, you get a tingle tween the knees.
Because sometimes, at the right angle, you can see through her shirt.
Because she never wears clamdiggers, capris, culottes, or any sort of non-full length pant.
Because she's read more books than you.
Because she doesn't have a Blackberry or Palm Pilot.
Because she's got a nice chunk of cash in a Preferred Money Market Savings account.
Because sometimes her hair is straight and sometimes its all curly.
Because her cell phone ring is the first few bars of Kashmir.
Because she's never worn a pant suit.
Because in junior high she had boobs before any other girl.
Because you see those boobs every night in your dreams.
Because she makes a killer lasagna.
Because she converts that dull aching pain in your belly into butterflies.
Because she's Mindy to your Mork. Spock to your Kirk. Sundance Kid to your Butch Cassidy.
Because she doesn't mind getting dutch ovened. In fact, she kind of likes it.
Because she refuses to eat mayonnaise.
Because her favorite train is the F train.
Because she smells like rainbows and rosebuds. The chocolate kind.
Because she doesn't say "like" a lot.
Because, when she was a kid, she used to cut out Absolut Vodka ads and hang them on her wall.
Because she doesn't put sour cream in her seven layer dip.
Because sometimes she walks around her apartment bottomless like Juliane Moore in Shortcuts.
Because no matter where you look you think of something that makes you think of her.
Because she's got the tiniest little toes in all of toetown.
Because she wouldn't even care if you wrote a stupid-ass blog.
Because she doesn't even exist.
Because you're so dumb and she's so smart.
Because you've seen her belly button and that's enough.
Because everyone's in love with Sarah Nussbaum.
Because she's fucking Sarah Nussbaum, that's why.


Yours,
E.D.


And now, a question for all of my dear readers. Why do you love Sarah Nussbaum?