Thursday, April 20, 2006

Dear Evil Discussor... Did you know that "us viscid loser" is an anagram of Evil Discussor?

This question was submitted recently by a fellow named anon. Although I neither speak Latin nor anagram, I will try to answer it for him. No. I did not know that. I am so happy that I know that now. Thank you for taking the time out of your hectic schedule to work out an anagram of your favorite blogmaster's wickedly wild given name. You're so much fun.

Here's one for you. Did you know that "Lay smile leo uk bee new rig" is an anagram for "You smell like a big weener"? (Not to mention, also a common Ojibwe phrase meaning "Pass the dried beef legs, for I am hungry, and it is getting late." But that's besides the point.)

But I want to get to something just a wee bit more meaningful here. Anon, although your question seems harmless and playful on the surface, I believe it's actually masking something. Something darker and deeper. It's a cry for help. Come on. We can all see it. I'm just the only one with the balls to say it. And I'm not like the others, anon, leaving you to squirm and self-destruct in your own filthy pit of self-hate. I will help you. I will pluck you out of harm's way like the small boat in a summer's squall that you are. Like the human trainwreck you seem to be. Right now. That's right. It's like that A&E show Intervention, except it's happening right here on a blog and instead of holding an emotionally charged family meeting where a crack-head-crack-whore-glue-sniffing-pre-teen is finally persuaded to save what's left of his/her life and give up his/her crackheadwhoring ways, I'm just going to write some stuff about something or something. But it's just as riveting.

I am not surprised that your question would involve the word 'loser,' anon. I have a sneaking suspicion that that word's been hanging around you for quite a long while now, following you wherever you may go. Ever since you first heard it uttered, that time on the playground when Ronnie Harliss pulled down your pants in front of the girls, and left you standing there in your pale yellow undies for all the world to see.

Well, maybe it's time to escape the persecution of that horrible word! To pull off the shackles and tear down the wall! Maybe it's time to take a small step back towards dignity! To walk with pride all the way back to pride-land! Maybe it's time to say to the Ronnie Harlisses of the world, under your breath, "Hey, Ronnie Harlisses, eff you, man" and then, of course, turn and run really really fast. Maybe it's time to make some little, small, tiny, somewhat insignificant move forward or something! And maybe, just maybe, the first step to doing so would be to stop spending time posting stupid questions on stupid blogs like mine all day.

Thanks for writing,


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