Monday, April 10, 2006

Dear Evil Discussor... Is the new Cuisinart Coffee-On-Demand Coffee Maker the greatest invention ever invented?

Yes. It is. It is it is it is. Tis tis tis. Tizzy tizzy tizzy. Thin thin lizzy. I'm giddy with excitement just thinking about the greatly greaty greatest invention ever blever inventioned! I can't even write words I'm so crazy craptastically crappy happy!

Check it out:

See. There it is. See how it shines. Imagine how proudly it sits on any sort of countertop. Just waiting for you to sneak up on it and tappity tap tap its little love lever! That's right! Lever! No carafe, no burner, no nothing. I didn't even know what a carafe was before this, but shit, now I do! And I say up yours, carafe! You've fooled us with your games for too long. Get out of the way, ye glorified pot. We need you no longer. Now we will fill our mugs up one cup at a time, mofo! And have our coffee sit and percolate up top, so as to not burn. It's freaking crazy science! Technology at it's finest. Fuck cloning! We're done. Stop working on your science, scientists. Stop working. It's over. There's nothing left to do here. The inventor of this machine should be crowned Supreme Leader, given a boatload of cash and a harem of concubines or ladyboys or whatever he wants. He deserves that and more. You know why? Because he took back the morning. He took back the morning and he handed it to us. In the form of a smartly styled brushed stainless coffeemaker with removable parts that are top-rack dishwasher-safe. No more coffee pot, no! No more coffee burning or spilling. Just good, nay, great times. Like the box says, I'm "Bringing the Good Life Home."

Am I a materialistic pig fucker consumer-loving whore? Yes!
Am I a slave to the latest trends? Yes!
Did I just spend way too much on a coffeemaker? Uh huh.
But do I receive my coffee in a carafe-free fashion? You bet!
Do you? Probably not.
So keep pouring your drippity drip pours and dreaming your small dreams, carafe-hugger. I'll just be here, kicking back, drinking my coffee. As I demand it. Via lever, loser.

It's like I've always said. Anything with a lever is better.

Actually I've never said that before. But it kind of rhymes and I like it. We call that an imperfect rhyme in poetry. But its a rhyme nonetheless. After all, I can't be perfect all the time.

Or can I?

With love,


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Like your blog, keep up the good work.

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9:48 AM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Who are you, anonymous, and why must you always tease me with your positive comments?

10:33 AM  

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