Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Dear Evil Discussor... Is your blog really starting to suck balls?

Yes. Though some might argue it has sucked balls for a very long time. Perhaps, even sucking balls since its inception. And the fact that I myself wrote this question makes it even somehow more ball-suckier, wouldn't you say? This blog sucks balls in the way a guy might desperately try to suck his own balls, but never actually achieve his ball-sucking goal, always just barely unable to reach his balls for to ball-suck. See what I mean? My point exactly. Ball-sucky. If you're even still reading this ball-sucking blog, then I feel somewhat sorry for you. Perhaps it means that you too are, in some way, trying to suck your own balls (or if you're a lady, your lady-balls), each day hoping that your neck might crane just that little bit further, your lips might get that little bit closer, your metaphorical ball-sucking dream might get that little bit realer. But with each and every new day, the disappointing reality that you will never realize that dream. That your balls will always be hanging just that little bit out of reach. That you are not as nimble as you hoped and thought you might be. Or perhaps it just means that you're bored at work. Me, I only wish that that analogy had made any sense, that I could've wrapped up that thought just a little better, and that maybe, that that last paragraph wasn't so long.

Truth is, babycakeses, the joy is gone. I don't feel much like blogfucking anymore. You might come knocking, but the answer will now be "No, Evil cannot come out and play." And no, this is no desperately sad cry for attention goodbye tomfakery like last time. This is the real deal, my blogface doucheheaded blogtard nation. See, I can't keep up this demanding blog schedule. Emotionally, it's too draining. Nor do I care for you so much anymore, my sweet sad beautiful wildebeests. It sounds harsh, but come on, I called you "sweet sad beautiful wildebeests," and that's pretty loving, yes? I've let you toy with my lovestick for a while, but now you must let go of it. You must let go of my lovestick. You must. I've loved you all, but now, must yank my love away. Like a newborn babe from its mother's tender and swollen teet. And though it might cause us both much grief and unimaginable pain, and though that 'swollen teet' bit was pretty unnecessary, such is such, and so it is, and also, be that as it may. Besides, I conquered this bitchface of a blogworld, and now must move on to other forms of conquerage and recreation. Mourn me. Miss me. Dis me. Kiss me. Love me. Love me. Say that you love me. Or just pretend that you love me. I don't care. The dream is over. The douche has landed. The fucknose rides again. Does anyone else want to write this? Does anyone else want to go through the pain and anguish, the mental slavery, the suffering involved in coming up with the funny, the hilarious hilarity, the evilocity, every day or four? Cause little old Evil sure don't. He believes it's time he puts an end to this blogfoolery.

Who was Evil? Who was the man you loved and adored and dreamed of fellating? Who you shared your each and every morning with during those wonderfully fleeting, sepia-toned, wistfully hazy days of Spring/Summer/Fall '06? Who was he? Where did he come from? And why the fuck why? How did his blogstar rise so immediately, yet, like a Nigerian airliner, crash and burn just as fast? What powers did he possess, besides the power of sucking bad? Why must he leave so soon? Will he be back? Will we ever meet again? Has he even really left? Was he even ever here? Where'd he go? And, who the fuck really cares?

No one will ever know the answers to these questions, mon freres. No one.

Well, actually, not true. I will. But still. That doesn't help you, really.

So, yeah. Anyways. OK. Bye.



Anonymous Anonymous said...


WE WON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what happened to the post you posted today and then took away? did i imagine it?

and why does it always take me like 6 tried to properly copy the word verification?

3:18 PM  
Anonymous amish said...

Is this another lame fake retirement? Cause that would be lame...and fake.

5:15 PM  
Anonymous loyal anon said...

I'm sorry to hear it but I believe it. Truth be told, your blog has sucked it up lately. But that's nothing against you, it's gotta be pretty difficult to write entertaining material on a daily basis, even for a month.

So I bid you farewell ED and good luck!! You'll always have a place with me in between my ass and my sack.

8:34 AM  
Anonymous debbie said...

i too saw the goatee post

9:51 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

Yes. So it's the mysterious and secretly withdrawn director's cut goatee post, only to be available on the DVD box set. Go on now, get on with your lives. And know that I will always love you.

10:25 PM  
Blogger Evil Discussor said...

And yes, that's right. I did just comment even after I quit. Kind of a faux pas, I know. But then again, fuck you.

10:29 PM  
Anonymous debbie said...

semicolon left parenthesis

9:27 AM  
Anonymous debbie said...

if you really are gone, i think imma take over your blog. right here in the comments section of your final post.

itll be like guest blogging except with a more violent exchange of power. and no capitol letters. and rarely correct punctuation"

ill ask myself questions. answer them. then, make up an eccentric group of ppl to comment. itll be like being inside my head.

4:45 PM  
Anonymous Spanky McFarland said...

Thanks for leaving. Those two or three blogs you wrote that were actually funny will forever been stored in my memory bank...ok maybe not forever but hey, fuck you too ED...fuck you too (wiping single tear from left eye).

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

actually the comments were much funnier than the original posts.
I wonder how E.D.'s doing out working those truckstops,and bus depots.

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

damn. thanks for the entertainment ED. that paragraph in the Bubble Gum Scraper post is still one the funniest things i have ever read. good luck.

10:44 AM  
Anonymous debbie said...

agreed...i continue to come here every day.

i keep thinking about how they make that list every year. with the highest grossing dead celebrities. there should be a list of the dead blogs with the most number of daily hits.

and then all the people who visit those sites should be automatically enrolled on match.com.

1:54 PM  
Blogger Maulleigh said...

Meh, I give you a month. I got burned out too and then I'm kinda back: like if I was on CBS and then showed up on QVC six months later hawking salad shooters.

Cuz "Salad shooters" is funny.

9:16 AM  
Blogger Tilly said...

Wait, wait, wait. I didn't read that whole post, but I'm getting the distinct impression that ED is done. Gone. Ghandi? Really? Lame. Real fucking lame.

I miss you already.

3:44 PM  
Anonymous loyal anon said...

)=======D ~ ~ (E.D.'s Mouth)

9:24 AM  
Anonymous freemdoom said...



7:49 PM  
Anonymous debbie said...

dear evil discussor,
is it finally time for me to take you off my favorites?

8:31 PM  
Anonymous femfem said...

i still haven't. i miss e.d.

12:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what happened to the evil discussor???

5:19 PM  
Blogger dare2believe said...

Dear evil discussor, what is it that makes you evil?

7:06 AM  
Blogger Maulleigh said...

Miss you.

5:21 PM  
Blogger hailey said...

Hi, I came across your site and wasn’t able to get an email address to contact you. Would you please consider adding a link to my website on your page. Please email me back and we'll talk about it.


Hailey William

8:35 AM  

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